It is happening again, my life is transforming and molding to a better me. Trying to explain and get others to understand this process is so hard. If they don't know what it is like making these changes than they will have a hard time trying to make sense of all this.
I told my husband about how I decide to stop wearing my pedometer for a while. I didn't say I was throwing it away or getting rid of it. I simply said I was giving it a break.
It brought back memories to when I told him I was sending our scale to live with his parents. I would have just trashed it but to make him feel better knowing it is there and can grab it when ever than we settled on the middle ground.
Now the pedometer is not a threat to most I have just been feeling that same "guilt" feeling. I have been paying too much attention to the numbers and not how my body feels. There isn't anything wrong with a pedometer, it was great for me it got me motivated and was a daily reminder to keep me moving.
I don't know maybe I am just seeing how I can do with out my training wheels on. Like the the scale it was great seeing the numbers go down and got me motivated, well it got to a point where the numbers stood still or only budged every 2 weeks causing me to check almost daily.
I don't need those distractions. I guess I am just finding out that my internal signals are gathering more strength and now I need to prove to myself that I can do it with out see any numbers. I need to set goals ones that I know will get me the 10K steps a day and not caring if I know exactly what number I did hit.
I have been seeing my daily routin and if I stick to it or even if I add more I will hit the 10K and mayeb more.
Getting this new found strength from with in is giving me more motivation and today being day one with no pedometer and allowing myself to be set free of the training wheels I feel great! I had so much more energy and my thoughts were much more positive.
I don't know if the pedometer was the cause of the "guilt" feel but I do know that I have been relying on it in the wrong ways.
Kinda like the clock, when I first started and as some one else mentioned at the McKenna site. When you feel hunger first response to that feeling look at the clock. Old habits is it time to eat? does the clock know if your hungry? NO
Same for me with the pedometer, just because I get x amount of steps doesn't mean I wasn't doing something more. There is plenty more exercise than your feet moving.
So now for me my goal is to keep moving! I basically know what can get me 10K a day and will keep with it and I have a strong feeling I will end up maybe going over. Who cares I am not in training and what is most important is that I am moving my body.
Jamie
Monday, November 24, 2008
First of many family gatherings this Holiday season
Well today was the first of many more holiday gatherings. My hubby's Mem took the family out to lunch for a Thanksgiving dinner. It was his moms side of the family and all her brothers and nieces and nephew a big bunch.
They are all of different sizes very French and loud too. I had a good time and at first when the food came out everyone was digging in. My son who is 2 & 1/2 was sitting on my lap and I was busy with getting him all set up and then getting my plate together. I had noticed that I had eaten my first few bites too fast a lot faster than usual. I was so happy I picked up on it right away. Everyone else was eating so fast I just fallowed along.
So I put my fork down and I took a deep breath and I was better the rest of the meal. I felt bad because I kept on thinking it was kinda sad in a way how this family has treated their bodies.
My mother inlaw is doing the Atkins diet and went off of it today and will be going on and off through out the Holidays.
She sat back and said she would probably not eat the rest of the day she was so stuffed. I was trying real hard not to pay much attention to how others were eating and felt bad that I wasn't sure was I judging them? But I thought about it I think I was just reflecting and taking note mostly about how I used to be. I was there and new look at the control I have. I don't need to cheat or stuff it in while I can.
Even though I had my son on my lap the entire time, I was still able to enjoy every bite. I had some conversation and took it slow. It was a family style dinner, with chicken pasta and fries and of coarse rolls and salad (which was drenched with their dressing).
Everything was good and even sharing my food with my boy I still had food left on my plate. The servings of chicken are so big we both didn't finish it. But I guess watching how many times each bowl of fries or chicken got refreshed I think I lost some of my appetite thinking how quickly things were disappearing.
Anyways I am proud of my adventure today, and I know I will be able to make it through this Holiday season with no worries and know that I am healing and I am doing great!
They are all of different sizes very French and loud too. I had a good time and at first when the food came out everyone was digging in. My son who is 2 & 1/2 was sitting on my lap and I was busy with getting him all set up and then getting my plate together. I had noticed that I had eaten my first few bites too fast a lot faster than usual. I was so happy I picked up on it right away. Everyone else was eating so fast I just fallowed along.
So I put my fork down and I took a deep breath and I was better the rest of the meal. I felt bad because I kept on thinking it was kinda sad in a way how this family has treated their bodies.
My mother inlaw is doing the Atkins diet and went off of it today and will be going on and off through out the Holidays.
She sat back and said she would probably not eat the rest of the day she was so stuffed. I was trying real hard not to pay much attention to how others were eating and felt bad that I wasn't sure was I judging them? But I thought about it I think I was just reflecting and taking note mostly about how I used to be. I was there and new look at the control I have. I don't need to cheat or stuff it in while I can.
Even though I had my son on my lap the entire time, I was still able to enjoy every bite. I had some conversation and took it slow. It was a family style dinner, with chicken pasta and fries and of coarse rolls and salad (which was drenched with their dressing).
Everything was good and even sharing my food with my boy I still had food left on my plate. The servings of chicken are so big we both didn't finish it. But I guess watching how many times each bowl of fries or chicken got refreshed I think I lost some of my appetite thinking how quickly things were disappearing.
Anyways I am proud of my adventure today, and I know I will be able to make it through this Holiday season with no worries and know that I am healing and I am doing great!
Friday, November 21, 2008
thoughts
The feelings are so empowering I can't even explain them
The shadows creeping and crawling along the dirt as if they are chasing
The fear of what linger with in them but I'm not scared
I want to shout and jump with joy
They are getting further away
I have beaten them
Even if they return I have the strength
The courage to get beyond those creepy crawly things
They are not to fear unless you think they will hurt you
Keep your head up and breath
Don't be worried or scared
You are not alone we are here
So let your light shine bright and SMILE!
The shadows creeping and crawling along the dirt as if they are chasing
The fear of what linger with in them but I'm not scared
I want to shout and jump with joy
They are getting further away
I have beaten them
Even if they return I have the strength
The courage to get beyond those creepy crawly things
They are not to fear unless you think they will hurt you
Keep your head up and breath
Don't be worried or scared
You are not alone we are here
So let your light shine bright and SMILE!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Stepping stones
I have so much going on in my life right now. My hubby got the job with the trucking firm doing trucking over the road and we are not sure when he will be going out to start, so frustraiting not knowing when.
Then there is always the thought of money and the holidays. Of coarse running the household and paying bills, and then there were the changes at the McKenna site, but that has all been settled now (thanks to Shannon!)
But yesterday morning I was finding it hard to pull myself out of the emotional ball I felt like I was a water factory I kept getting teary eyed over thinking too much. So I thought about all the gatherings we or maybe just me and the kids will be attending this season. Starting with Thanks giving, I thought well, I don't have any dress up clothes. Man that broke out a spark, this year is so different! this time last year I was dreading to buy yet again new clothes because I didn't have any big enough to fit me.
I was feeling it getting excited about OK hubby is home I'll go shopping for a couple of new shirts not too dressy and some slacks. A few minutes before I was going to leave my mom called to tell me about a family meeting we are going to be having. My mem has been diagnosed with dementia (so wasn't my grammy she is in FL)and I guess there was some kinda argument or something about the new puppy at my mem & peps house and my mem's shoes got chewed up and she just had it, they had been looking to get rid of him he was too hiper for her. So my mem just up and walked out of the house and went on a walk. Ya it was dark and my pep called the police and my dad & uncle they were all looking for her.
I guess she was gone for about a half hour when finally she just walked back in the house. Luckily nothing happened this time. I mean I hear about all these other stories how people take the car and don't remember where they are or things like that. The Dr. just told her she can't drive anymore. Ya it's a big mess, and my pep isn't in good health either he has emphysema and a bad heart. He recovered from Colin cancer like 6 years ago.
So I left going to the store with so much on my mind, far from those good feelings I had finally started to spark. It was great I got in the store and was looking in the ladies section and was finding a few things. I kept on looking at this one shirt and was thinking ah no it's gonna be too clingy or not fit right I must have passed it like 5 times and finally said it wont hurt me to try it on. Think about it how many times have I tried something on and it not look right. I grabbed it and a couple of other shirts and a camisole and some really comfy dress pants.
I couldn't believe it! I got teary eyed again! But this time was because I have never once been able to just pull something off the rack an entire out fit and for the first time everything was amazing! I couldn't stop looking in the mirror. My eyes were so watery and I couldn't stop turning, plus the way the mirrors were I could see all of me behind and all.
I didn't feel fat I wasn't depressed because I had to settle with something that looked ok. I had on something I really liked no loved and it was right off the rack no going to grab the next size up or it just didn't fit right.
Bring on the parties people I'm ready to shine!
In that dressing room it helped remind me that everything will happen at it's own time. Just let it happen and tend to it as thing come along.
Keep trusting in your faith and you will be guided.
God Bless
Jamie
Then there is always the thought of money and the holidays. Of coarse running the household and paying bills, and then there were the changes at the McKenna site, but that has all been settled now (thanks to Shannon!)
But yesterday morning I was finding it hard to pull myself out of the emotional ball I felt like I was a water factory I kept getting teary eyed over thinking too much. So I thought about all the gatherings we or maybe just me and the kids will be attending this season. Starting with Thanks giving, I thought well, I don't have any dress up clothes. Man that broke out a spark, this year is so different! this time last year I was dreading to buy yet again new clothes because I didn't have any big enough to fit me.
I was feeling it getting excited about OK hubby is home I'll go shopping for a couple of new shirts not too dressy and some slacks. A few minutes before I was going to leave my mom called to tell me about a family meeting we are going to be having. My mem has been diagnosed with dementia (so wasn't my grammy she is in FL)and I guess there was some kinda argument or something about the new puppy at my mem & peps house and my mem's shoes got chewed up and she just had it, they had been looking to get rid of him he was too hiper for her. So my mem just up and walked out of the house and went on a walk. Ya it was dark and my pep called the police and my dad & uncle they were all looking for her.
I guess she was gone for about a half hour when finally she just walked back in the house. Luckily nothing happened this time. I mean I hear about all these other stories how people take the car and don't remember where they are or things like that. The Dr. just told her she can't drive anymore. Ya it's a big mess, and my pep isn't in good health either he has emphysema and a bad heart. He recovered from Colin cancer like 6 years ago.
So I left going to the store with so much on my mind, far from those good feelings I had finally started to spark. It was great I got in the store and was looking in the ladies section and was finding a few things. I kept on looking at this one shirt and was thinking ah no it's gonna be too clingy or not fit right I must have passed it like 5 times and finally said it wont hurt me to try it on. Think about it how many times have I tried something on and it not look right. I grabbed it and a couple of other shirts and a camisole and some really comfy dress pants.
I couldn't believe it! I got teary eyed again! But this time was because I have never once been able to just pull something off the rack an entire out fit and for the first time everything was amazing! I couldn't stop looking in the mirror. My eyes were so watery and I couldn't stop turning, plus the way the mirrors were I could see all of me behind and all.
I didn't feel fat I wasn't depressed because I had to settle with something that looked ok. I had on something I really liked no loved and it was right off the rack no going to grab the next size up or it just didn't fit right.
Bring on the parties people I'm ready to shine!
In that dressing room it helped remind me that everything will happen at it's own time. Just let it happen and tend to it as thing come along.
Keep trusting in your faith and you will be guided.
God Bless
Jamie
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Gonna need the extra lovins
Well, my hubby has taken the job with Swift an over the road trucking company. He will be leaving for orientation either next week Nov 18th or Dec 9th.
I know this brings a lot more change in my life but I feel that God has helped me prepare for this.
My first step was starting Paul McKenna's system back in March, and then come June my hubby got laid off. Then that same morning he came home from being laid off he got signed up to go to school to get his class A CDL licence. It's been 5 months and he passed his test and now has his licence.
Along the way I joined the great community at the Paul McKenna site back in July. I was feeling great and losing weight and there wasn't anyone to help share in the excitement and to understand all my life changing experiences. Going to that community and becoming one of them helped fill a void in my life.
I was no longer feeling alone and have been able to see that my changes and experiences actually help others to change and experience thing. A circle of new friends and a new addition to my family.
So now with more changing on the horizon I know that I will make it threw and this will only help me to be stronger. My hubby going over the road will not be for ever, just until he can get the experience he needs to find the right job close to home and home nightly and not just 2 times a month.
I so very grateful to have made friends with all of you. Thank you and I am not going to ever stop saying thank you!
From my heart I thank you!
Jamie
I know this brings a lot more change in my life but I feel that God has helped me prepare for this.
My first step was starting Paul McKenna's system back in March, and then come June my hubby got laid off. Then that same morning he came home from being laid off he got signed up to go to school to get his class A CDL licence. It's been 5 months and he passed his test and now has his licence.
Along the way I joined the great community at the Paul McKenna site back in July. I was feeling great and losing weight and there wasn't anyone to help share in the excitement and to understand all my life changing experiences. Going to that community and becoming one of them helped fill a void in my life.
I was no longer feeling alone and have been able to see that my changes and experiences actually help others to change and experience thing. A circle of new friends and a new addition to my family.
So now with more changing on the horizon I know that I will make it threw and this will only help me to be stronger. My hubby going over the road will not be for ever, just until he can get the experience he needs to find the right job close to home and home nightly and not just 2 times a month.
I so very grateful to have made friends with all of you. Thank you and I am not going to ever stop saying thank you!
From my heart I thank you!
Jamie
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Fears to moving forward
In reading Roses post on the through thick and thin blog I have been going back and thinking up the excuses I used to have why I can't lose weight and be successful on any diet.
Of coarse when you first hear of Paul's system you think great I have no will power, how the heck am I supposed to do this? What if I don't lose weight? Well, it wouldn't hurt to just give it a try. Heck I am already over weight and stuck in this spot in my life why not.
In talking to some friends that are trying to lose weight and knowing they want it so badly and yet when they ask about how to start or go about fallowing Paul McKenna's program if they are not truly ready for the life change it's almost like an automatic defence mode and the excuses pop up to why they would fail before they even try.
One things that most irritates me is that people work in all different environments and I've found that the attack on me of being a stay at home mom w/ a daycare should be the easy way to lose weight. Now I never say to anyone that they have it easy because of their job situation. I know that everyone has all sorts of stress and things that need to be worked through.
I have these 2 friends that both want to lose weight, one is ready and understands the idea of everything and wants me to help her. The other when we were talking about weight loss in general seemed like she was on the attack about everything. My hubby sounded just like that at first. They in a way would say, well you have it easy your at home all day and don't have to worry about when you get a lunch break and how long you have to eat.
I get so irked by that because, I am around food and have it right there when ever I wanted it. That is part of the problem to my being over weight. I was the one hiding in the pantry because I never made the time to enjoy the food I really wanted to have. I was the one who was snaking along with the kids because the food was there. I was the one nibbling endlessly while putting the food together for the kids and when it came time to eating my meal I ate even thought I wasn't hungry anymore.
Fear of over eating all day. I know what others feel as fear is starvation. Worrying about when they will get their meal and how long it will take.
We all have a fear but that is what is making us over weight. We need to slow down and think how can we fix this problem.
Mine is doing the best I can not to nibble when hungry hold off and I will truly enjoy each bite and just because the food is there doesn't mean I need to eat it. Trying my best to hold off and when it's a good time to eat when I know I will enjoy every bite then that will be my reward. Just because I am home with kids all day doesn't mean anything. I used them as my excuse to why I was gaining weight.
As for others like my hubby when he was working I would say you have control over what food is around you. You pack your own meals to eat just enjoy what time you do have when you are eating. When you slow down your eating and pay attention it doesn't take 20min to eat a meal. Your shrinking your stomach how much food do you think it takes? Bring things that don't take long to prep before eating. Stop fearing the starvation and look at what you have to work with.
No matter where you work once you start eating what and how your body wants you will find so much more energy and in turn probably start working better and have a clearer head after your break. Which will lead to more steps on the pedometer. Making extra steps to the copier or taking the stairs more. Even just stopping for a couple of min out of your day and march in place (works great when things are a little stressed) pump them legs and arms and watch the steam drain out of your head.
I feel much better now, I've had these thoughts bottled up for a while now and just had to share them.
Jamie
Of coarse when you first hear of Paul's system you think great I have no will power, how the heck am I supposed to do this? What if I don't lose weight? Well, it wouldn't hurt to just give it a try. Heck I am already over weight and stuck in this spot in my life why not.
In talking to some friends that are trying to lose weight and knowing they want it so badly and yet when they ask about how to start or go about fallowing Paul McKenna's program if they are not truly ready for the life change it's almost like an automatic defence mode and the excuses pop up to why they would fail before they even try.
One things that most irritates me is that people work in all different environments and I've found that the attack on me of being a stay at home mom w/ a daycare should be the easy way to lose weight. Now I never say to anyone that they have it easy because of their job situation. I know that everyone has all sorts of stress and things that need to be worked through.
I have these 2 friends that both want to lose weight, one is ready and understands the idea of everything and wants me to help her. The other when we were talking about weight loss in general seemed like she was on the attack about everything. My hubby sounded just like that at first. They in a way would say, well you have it easy your at home all day and don't have to worry about when you get a lunch break and how long you have to eat.
I get so irked by that because, I am around food and have it right there when ever I wanted it. That is part of the problem to my being over weight. I was the one hiding in the pantry because I never made the time to enjoy the food I really wanted to have. I was the one who was snaking along with the kids because the food was there. I was the one nibbling endlessly while putting the food together for the kids and when it came time to eating my meal I ate even thought I wasn't hungry anymore.
Fear of over eating all day. I know what others feel as fear is starvation. Worrying about when they will get their meal and how long it will take.
We all have a fear but that is what is making us over weight. We need to slow down and think how can we fix this problem.
Mine is doing the best I can not to nibble when hungry hold off and I will truly enjoy each bite and just because the food is there doesn't mean I need to eat it. Trying my best to hold off and when it's a good time to eat when I know I will enjoy every bite then that will be my reward. Just because I am home with kids all day doesn't mean anything. I used them as my excuse to why I was gaining weight.
As for others like my hubby when he was working I would say you have control over what food is around you. You pack your own meals to eat just enjoy what time you do have when you are eating. When you slow down your eating and pay attention it doesn't take 20min to eat a meal. Your shrinking your stomach how much food do you think it takes? Bring things that don't take long to prep before eating. Stop fearing the starvation and look at what you have to work with.
No matter where you work once you start eating what and how your body wants you will find so much more energy and in turn probably start working better and have a clearer head after your break. Which will lead to more steps on the pedometer. Making extra steps to the copier or taking the stairs more. Even just stopping for a couple of min out of your day and march in place (works great when things are a little stressed) pump them legs and arms and watch the steam drain out of your head.
I feel much better now, I've had these thoughts bottled up for a while now and just had to share them.
Jamie
Friday, October 17, 2008
Little unthought of changes
I keep wanting to write this down and just haven't gotten to it yet.
A couple of weeks ago, I was laying on my living room floor being the mommy jungle gym that I am. My oldest Isabelle decided to give me one of her deep tissue back massage by standing on my back. She does a pretty good job and uses her little toes and works out a lot of kinks.
Anyways while she was doing that she stopped and said yew mommy what is that, and paused and moved her little foot around a bit more and was shocked she was like oh I can feel your bones.
That made me happy knowing I must be losing inches on my back. I love having the kids around they are so outspoken and you know they mean what they say. Of coarse there are times the words they choose can be hurtful but they just don't understand all the meanings yet.
They have been such great little motivators for me through this whole process. The boy I babysit has said on walks, Jamie you are looking smaller, your belly isn't as big as it used to be. Or now that I walk him to school just about every morning he said just the other day I know why you like to walk me to school, for the exercise right? I said yes because walking is good for your heart to help you stay healthy and strong.
My oldest has said things here and there about how my clothes like when they are getting too big and saying you need to buy some smaller ones. She is a great personal trainer too she enjoys working out with me of coarse there are somethings I do with her that is more fun for her and makes me have to work harder but is great for my work out. My son will do things like that too.
I'm just so happy to be showing these kids the healthy side of my life. Who knows how they would have ended up if I continued to gain.
My kids are my motivation, they are my dependents meaning they couldn't live with out me or some one to help them with everything. If I am not healthy and can't be there for them then I have failed. I am stronger & healthier mentally and physically.
Today is my 27th birthday and my 26th year was all about starting to improve myself and I have accomplished a lot. I am so proud of who I am and who I am becoming. So I am going to make this 27th year rock out all the years gone by. So many of them I have wasted by feeling sorry, lonely and lost in myself. No more live life to it's fullest!
Jamie
A couple of weeks ago, I was laying on my living room floor being the mommy jungle gym that I am. My oldest Isabelle decided to give me one of her deep tissue back massage by standing on my back. She does a pretty good job and uses her little toes and works out a lot of kinks.
Anyways while she was doing that she stopped and said yew mommy what is that, and paused and moved her little foot around a bit more and was shocked she was like oh I can feel your bones.
That made me happy knowing I must be losing inches on my back. I love having the kids around they are so outspoken and you know they mean what they say. Of coarse there are times the words they choose can be hurtful but they just don't understand all the meanings yet.
They have been such great little motivators for me through this whole process. The boy I babysit has said on walks, Jamie you are looking smaller, your belly isn't as big as it used to be. Or now that I walk him to school just about every morning he said just the other day I know why you like to walk me to school, for the exercise right? I said yes because walking is good for your heart to help you stay healthy and strong.
My oldest has said things here and there about how my clothes like when they are getting too big and saying you need to buy some smaller ones. She is a great personal trainer too she enjoys working out with me of coarse there are somethings I do with her that is more fun for her and makes me have to work harder but is great for my work out. My son will do things like that too.
I'm just so happy to be showing these kids the healthy side of my life. Who knows how they would have ended up if I continued to gain.
My kids are my motivation, they are my dependents meaning they couldn't live with out me or some one to help them with everything. If I am not healthy and can't be there for them then I have failed. I am stronger & healthier mentally and physically.
Today is my 27th birthday and my 26th year was all about starting to improve myself and I have accomplished a lot. I am so proud of who I am and who I am becoming. So I am going to make this 27th year rock out all the years gone by. So many of them I have wasted by feeling sorry, lonely and lost in myself. No more live life to it's fullest!
Jamie
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