Straddling a line between mud and quicksand
wow wonderful choices
why such gloom my friend?
Shouldn't you feel joy
you have the freedom to chose
your body is strong enough
everything is functioning
you have life
Stop looking at the mud as a mess
a struggle
The quick sand is where you were coming from
you saw no hope
no way out
Your on the line my friend
the mud is your adventure
your hope
Trust in the body you have been given
strengthen your body
your soul
Stop looking at the mud and feeling guilt
you didn't know
How can you look at it with such pain and hard feelings
when all along you were told you shouldn't cross the line
it can't be done
it goes against the grain of all you have learned
My friend
you keep thinking the worst of things
the yin always has the yang to help keep balance
finding yourself on the darker side sinking into the quick sand?
Shift yourself
take a step in the mud look toward the light
When you get stuck stop!
There is no rush
whats the hurry
find the beauty and gather more strength
I'm sure your foot will loosen
you can once again put one foot in front and start moving along
Oh man it's so hard some times when you are feeling the guilt and like you have failed yourself and others. It gets you no where to allow yourself to continue with those feelings. Let them be heard breath into them and bring light into them.
Staying in them allowed ED control. When you give your freedom of being able to control ones self you have no more freedom no more control over your thoughts.
I need to change my vocab, no longer will I have rules but keep it simple. I don't even like to use guidelines. I stop myself and say keep it simple keep it natural or raw. Strip all labels from my thinking cause that's what it is, no matter how you dress the duck it's still a duck.
This week has been quite a week so far I am learning much about myself. I am seeing more change in me and how I know I am changing and healing ED is back and trying to take my freedom I will not hand it over.
My passed I had labels of success and failure, I refuse to let that leak int my life anymore. I no longer see it that way, there is adventure joy and learning. Simple unpaved roads have bumps and are dirty & curvy don't forget to add all of earth elements that is what's natural. Life was not meant to be a perfect spotless place, it would be rather boring don't ya think?
Friday, October 22, 2010
march 10,2010
My spirit
My Soul
The Goddess with in me
is the the sun
My body the earth
My life the Moon
Darkness doesn't fall
It's just light fading away
or obstructed by another solid form
A shadow in the light
We as humans
As people
Have a great gift
A voice
Language
Freedom to express our selves
Watching nature
The way it holds to much magic
Planting a seed and watching it grow
The stars in the sky
or the way the moon glows
so bright and beautiful
when earth doesn't shadow it
It's amazing how much the earth
and yes the moon
need the sun
There is always a struggle to keep things positive but I am finding my ways. It takes work and it takes truth to finally let it all be free to except it and embrace this side of me. I am learning growing and healing.
As Shannon has told me Healing is Feeling
My Soul
The Goddess with in me
is the the sun
My body the earth
My life the Moon
Darkness doesn't fall
It's just light fading away
or obstructed by another solid form
A shadow in the light
We as humans
As people
Have a great gift
A voice
Language
Freedom to express our selves
Watching nature
The way it holds to much magic
Planting a seed and watching it grow
The stars in the sky
or the way the moon glows
so bright and beautiful
when earth doesn't shadow it
It's amazing how much the earth
and yes the moon
need the sun
There is always a struggle to keep things positive but I am finding my ways. It takes work and it takes truth to finally let it all be free to except it and embrace this side of me. I am learning growing and healing.
As Shannon has told me Healing is Feeling
march 4,2010
Healthy
Optimistic
People
Experiment
Laugh
Over stupid simple things
Visualize & give your dreams
Endless room to grow
Candle light
Reflects
Endless
Adventures
Take it
Enjoy it!
Lavish in it's warmth
Imagine, feel it
Veto the rules
Embrace freedom!
Optimistic
People
Experiment
Laugh
Over stupid simple things
Visualize & give your dreams
Endless room to grow
Candle light
Reflects
Endless
Adventures
Take it
Enjoy it!
Lavish in it's warmth
Imagine, feel it
Veto the rules
Embrace freedom!
feb 24,2010
I just want to be me
the gatekeepers wont let me in
hurt guilt and disappointed
will this fighting ever end
the closer I get
the meaner & uglier
the gatekeepers are
I just want to be me
no holding back
letting no one hold me back
I love my laugh
my smile
I want to shine
where is my voice?
it sounds so simple to just fight
to yell back and scream
it would be just too easy
just charge right through the gates
turn turn off sight and sound
I just want to be me
the gatekeepers wont let me in
hurt guilt and disappointed
will this fighting ever end
the closer I get
the meaner & uglier
the gatekeepers are
I just want to be me
no holding back
letting no one hold me back
I love my laugh
my smile
I want to shine
where is my voice?
it sounds so simple to just fight
to yell back and scream
it would be just too easy
just charge right through the gates
turn turn off sight and sound
I just want to be me
feb 21,2010
I push him away
but on the inside I am screaming for him
to put his arms around me
so I can breath in his scent
take comfort
safety
in his embrace
warmth and courage
love and hope
I push him away
when I need him most
my best friend
my love
my life
my light
I push at him
testing his love for me
testing my love for him
it hurts
I push him away
taking it out on him
letting my darkness win
even if it is just for a while
I push him away
when I should be pulling him closer
to let my tears dry on his shoulder
my word be heard
my hurts be soothed
I push him away
No
not anymore
one step forward closer
not back
not away
Sorry my love
never again
always stay close
but on the inside I am screaming for him
to put his arms around me
so I can breath in his scent
take comfort
safety
in his embrace
warmth and courage
love and hope
I push him away
when I need him most
my best friend
my love
my life
my light
I push at him
testing his love for me
testing my love for him
it hurts
I push him away
taking it out on him
letting my darkness win
even if it is just for a while
I push him away
when I should be pulling him closer
to let my tears dry on his shoulder
my word be heard
my hurts be soothed
I push him away
No
not anymore
one step forward closer
not back
not away
Sorry my love
never again
always stay close
feb 19,2010
I don't want:
to doubt myself or aways wait and wonder if others approve
to abuse myself anymore verbally and emotionally
to care about what others might or might not be thinking of me
my physical appearance my attitude my personality
to want to struggle with worrying about fluctuation with my body size lil snug today= evil voices lil looser today= more evil voice
to think about what each bite of food is doing to my body, I hate picturing my body parts growing after 3 bites!
the rebellion after I have restricted myself so much I have it I binge to feel something different even tho it makes me uncomfortable
I don't want to feel lost, alone, confused, ugly, lazy, guilty, the obsession over food and body!
I WANT!
to believe the feelings when I do feel beautiful I want to hand onto them and keep them in my heart
to laugh out loud and mean it
to talk and be confident
to reach out and grab life keep it simple and live!
to bring back all the joy the things that make me happy
to see myself in the mirror and not some distorted image I have ingrained in my mind
to keep taking the next step forward no matter how hard it feels
to keep this healing going
I want to be me dammit!
I want to be with no ugly shadows or voices
I want freedom!
I may not go through the struggles on a daily basis and yes they are happening less often but I don't want to have to worry when, when will the trigger go off? Whens the next shoe going to drop?
Now I know what I don't want and what I want it's time to keep on trucking.
to doubt myself or aways wait and wonder if others approve
to abuse myself anymore verbally and emotionally
to care about what others might or might not be thinking of me
my physical appearance my attitude my personality
to want to struggle with worrying about fluctuation with my body size lil snug today= evil voices lil looser today= more evil voice
to think about what each bite of food is doing to my body, I hate picturing my body parts growing after 3 bites!
the rebellion after I have restricted myself so much I have it I binge to feel something different even tho it makes me uncomfortable
I don't want to feel lost, alone, confused, ugly, lazy, guilty, the obsession over food and body!
I WANT!
to believe the feelings when I do feel beautiful I want to hand onto them and keep them in my heart
to laugh out loud and mean it
to talk and be confident
to reach out and grab life keep it simple and live!
to bring back all the joy the things that make me happy
to see myself in the mirror and not some distorted image I have ingrained in my mind
to keep taking the next step forward no matter how hard it feels
to keep this healing going
I want to be me dammit!
I want to be with no ugly shadows or voices
I want freedom!
I may not go through the struggles on a daily basis and yes they are happening less often but I don't want to have to worry when, when will the trigger go off? Whens the next shoe going to drop?
Now I know what I don't want and what I want it's time to keep on trucking.
feb 17,2010
OK I tried something last night. I have started journaling yay to letting go of that fear which I think it was just my ED way of fighting me on that. Cause it has been helping wonderfully!
The deeper I go into learning about eating disorders and working with my habits and changing the way I think & do things. I am finding more triggers and traps it seems. But I think I have found a great tool for myself.
Yesterday while writing about my days and all about my feelings, basically going over my negative thoughts and how they made me feel through out my day. I guess giving my ED voice on paper. The fight seems to be getting stronger it's digging deeper trying to really hurt me.
Well after I let my ED voice be "heard" I realised I needed to create a safe and comfortable place. So I let that side of myself be heard. Here is how I ended my journal yesterday.
I let the voices be heard & I am trying not to feel guilty about any of it. I know it is not me so I need to create a safe place & comforting words.
wild flowers bloom
children's laughter
colors explode
drip drip a puddle is born
create
it's a gift God given
beauty
clear blue sky
white doves fly
stars sparkle
trees dance in the wind
water crashes
fire spreads it's wings
hold the crystal ball my friend
spread your magic
take my hand
my comfort
my light
I had posted more about all this but I lost it some how so that is the jest of what I wated to say today.
Yesterday was an up and down kind of day. More ups than downs but what was pretty neat was that in the down moments I kept telling myself that's not me thinking it's the ED it wants me to fail it's fighting back it wants control.
I didn't know that was the ED talking I didn't know I had a ED. That youtube clip really helped me. I am worth it no matter how much more or less I may fight with this I am important. I am worth doing this healing . I don't have to prove myself to anyone that I have struggles. What is so wrong with wanting to be healthy in my mind.
There are people that don't know about eating disorders or are feeling fear they may have one and struggle to reach. Why? What is so wrong with learning and trying to better yourself? You don't have to have an ED to help heal yourself and become a happy healthy you.
If your feeling that fight then maybe you do have a ED because the ED doesn't want you to let it go, it wants you to need it. It wants to be in control. I feel the fight some days it's stronger than others who cares it's there and I want to do the work I want to heal to recover.
The deeper I go into learning about eating disorders and working with my habits and changing the way I think & do things. I am finding more triggers and traps it seems. But I think I have found a great tool for myself.
Yesterday while writing about my days and all about my feelings, basically going over my negative thoughts and how they made me feel through out my day. I guess giving my ED voice on paper. The fight seems to be getting stronger it's digging deeper trying to really hurt me.
Well after I let my ED voice be "heard" I realised I needed to create a safe and comfortable place. So I let that side of myself be heard. Here is how I ended my journal yesterday.
I let the voices be heard & I am trying not to feel guilty about any of it. I know it is not me so I need to create a safe place & comforting words.
wild flowers bloom
children's laughter
colors explode
drip drip a puddle is born
create
it's a gift God given
beauty
clear blue sky
white doves fly
stars sparkle
trees dance in the wind
water crashes
fire spreads it's wings
hold the crystal ball my friend
spread your magic
take my hand
my comfort
my light
I had posted more about all this but I lost it some how so that is the jest of what I wated to say today.
Yesterday was an up and down kind of day. More ups than downs but what was pretty neat was that in the down moments I kept telling myself that's not me thinking it's the ED it wants me to fail it's fighting back it wants control.
I didn't know that was the ED talking I didn't know I had a ED. That youtube clip really helped me. I am worth it no matter how much more or less I may fight with this I am important. I am worth doing this healing . I don't have to prove myself to anyone that I have struggles. What is so wrong with wanting to be healthy in my mind.
There are people that don't know about eating disorders or are feeling fear they may have one and struggle to reach. Why? What is so wrong with learning and trying to better yourself? You don't have to have an ED to help heal yourself and become a happy healthy you.
If your feeling that fight then maybe you do have a ED because the ED doesn't want you to let it go, it wants you to need it. It wants to be in control. I feel the fight some days it's stronger than others who cares it's there and I want to do the work I want to heal to recover.
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