OK I tried something last night. I have started journaling yay to letting go of that fear which I think it was just my ED way of fighting me on that. Cause it has been helping wonderfully!
The deeper I go into learning about eating disorders and working with my habits and changing the way I think & do things. I am finding more triggers and traps it seems. But I think I have found a great tool for myself.
Yesterday while writing about my days and all about my feelings, basically going over my negative thoughts and how they made me feel through out my day. I guess giving my ED voice on paper. The fight seems to be getting stronger it's digging deeper trying to really hurt me.
Well after I let my ED voice be "heard" I realised I needed to create a safe and comfortable place. So I let that side of myself be heard. Here is how I ended my journal yesterday.
I let the voices be heard & I am trying not to feel guilty about any of it. I know it is not me so I need to create a safe place & comforting words.
wild flowers bloom
children's laughter
colors explode
drip drip a puddle is born
create
it's a gift God given
beauty
clear blue sky
white doves fly
stars sparkle
trees dance in the wind
water crashes
fire spreads it's wings
hold the crystal ball my friend
spread your magic
take my hand
my comfort
my light
I had posted more about all this but I lost it some how so that is the jest of what I wated to say today.
Yesterday was an up and down kind of day. More ups than downs but what was pretty neat was that in the down moments I kept telling myself that's not me thinking it's the ED it wants me to fail it's fighting back it wants control.
I didn't know that was the ED talking I didn't know I had a ED. That youtube clip really helped me. I am worth it no matter how much more or less I may fight with this I am important. I am worth doing this healing . I don't have to prove myself to anyone that I have struggles. What is so wrong with wanting to be healthy in my mind.
There are people that don't know about eating disorders or are feeling fear they may have one and struggle to reach. Why? What is so wrong with learning and trying to better yourself? You don't have to have an ED to help heal yourself and become a happy healthy you.
If your feeling that fight then maybe you do have a ED because the ED doesn't want you to let it go, it wants you to need it. It wants to be in control. I feel the fight some days it's stronger than others who cares it's there and I want to do the work I want to heal to recover.
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