feb 10,2010

The guilt
The obsessions
The control
It can all be so dark
Walking up to the mirror
Waiting for my fortune
What will it be today?
Who has the control now?
Is there a light I can borrow
I don't wanna be stuck in this dark corner of my mind
I see the light just around the corner
Feeling so lost with no flashlight
There is some comfort in the darkness
Be sucked in and held there
It's all about control
The obsession
It brings on the guilt
Holds even tighter
I cant shake it loose
The mirror reflects a person I don't know
The voices are cruel and scary
Who's in control now?
A note left behind
Are you happy?
That power
That control
Those stupid obsessions
Do they make you happy?
What are you gonna do about it?
I took a step and found my flash light
Who's in control now?
The guilt
The obsessions
The control
Leave it the dark and step out!
The power the strength the beauty happiness
is in the light


Last week was a struggle for me, I'm feeling better now but big time struggles. I ha to pull away from here for w few days and actually I felt like I pulled out of life for a bit as well. Turning to my novels and reading about made up worlds. It gives me time to think but at the same time I didn't deal with things in te healthiest of ways.

I know when I abuse my reading time or read to get away I get moody, I don't pay attention to my hunger I let it go by and I don't like the way I feel when I let myself get lost. It doesn't always happen when I read but I am aware of this it helps keep the voices away but it doesn't change anything. It's an obsession some times.

I realised the other morning I was going to look at myself in the mirror and it had nothing to do with what you should be doing,like is there something black on my tooth? It reminded me of the moment of truth right before when I used to weight myself every morning. Letting that stupid things tell me how I was going to start my day!

I was treating my mirror like that. I was abusing it. Instead of looking my eyes and saying words of encouragement or affirmations I got sucked in I let things go negative. Then the rest all fallowed.

Oh well I am out of my funk. But I know I really should be journaling in my note book I still haven't and that adds more to the funk. So much frickin guilt moving around in me lately and I need to be comforting myself not scolding myself.

I kept myself away from here for almost a week and there as guilt there too. I know others need support I do too. I get so much from here from all my friends. I don't know why I would feel guilt I've been here long enough to know everyone is so understanding encouraging and supportive.

Hubby and I have a night away down in the Cape (Cape Cod) for a romantic night with dinner and a jacuzzi suit breakfast v-day morning. It a great package we got I can't wait. It's hard not to be able to enjoy the excitement. Afraid that plans will change last min and we have that over night get away for us. Bad passed experiences with people saying they will be there and things change last min and we don't get what we have been so excited to do.

The closer we get to at the more I am feeling this anxiety waiting for the shoe to drop. My best friend is the one who offered to stay at our house and I did talk to her last night getting plans put together and all. So far still a go. And today would be the last day to get our money back if we have to cancel. We would make things work some way or the other it just wouldn't be what we planned. We wont let that nice room go to wait even if we had to bring along a few kids or something. But it's been almost 7 years since our honeymoon and that was out last time away together alone. We don't regret the way our lives have come along but just one night is all we have been looking for for years.

So I am holding tight onto my shine what ever side shine I got