I push him away
but on the inside I am screaming for him
to put his arms around me
so I can breath in his scent
take comfort
safety
in his embrace
warmth and courage
love and hope
I push him away
when I need him most
my best friend
my love
my life
my light
I push at him
testing his love for me
testing my love for him
it hurts
I push him away
taking it out on him
letting my darkness win
even if it is just for a while
I push him away
when I should be pulling him closer
to let my tears dry on his shoulder
my word be heard
my hurts be soothed
I push him away
No
not anymore
one step forward closer
not back
not away
Sorry my love
never again
always stay close
Friday, October 22, 2010
feb 19,2010
I don't want:
to doubt myself or aways wait and wonder if others approve
to abuse myself anymore verbally and emotionally
to care about what others might or might not be thinking of me
my physical appearance my attitude my personality
to want to struggle with worrying about fluctuation with my body size lil snug today= evil voices lil looser today= more evil voice
to think about what each bite of food is doing to my body, I hate picturing my body parts growing after 3 bites!
the rebellion after I have restricted myself so much I have it I binge to feel something different even tho it makes me uncomfortable
I don't want to feel lost, alone, confused, ugly, lazy, guilty, the obsession over food and body!
I WANT!
to believe the feelings when I do feel beautiful I want to hand onto them and keep them in my heart
to laugh out loud and mean it
to talk and be confident
to reach out and grab life keep it simple and live!
to bring back all the joy the things that make me happy
to see myself in the mirror and not some distorted image I have ingrained in my mind
to keep taking the next step forward no matter how hard it feels
to keep this healing going
I want to be me dammit!
I want to be with no ugly shadows or voices
I want freedom!
I may not go through the struggles on a daily basis and yes they are happening less often but I don't want to have to worry when, when will the trigger go off? Whens the next shoe going to drop?
Now I know what I don't want and what I want it's time to keep on trucking.
to doubt myself or aways wait and wonder if others approve
to abuse myself anymore verbally and emotionally
to care about what others might or might not be thinking of me
my physical appearance my attitude my personality
to want to struggle with worrying about fluctuation with my body size lil snug today= evil voices lil looser today= more evil voice
to think about what each bite of food is doing to my body, I hate picturing my body parts growing after 3 bites!
the rebellion after I have restricted myself so much I have it I binge to feel something different even tho it makes me uncomfortable
I don't want to feel lost, alone, confused, ugly, lazy, guilty, the obsession over food and body!
I WANT!
to believe the feelings when I do feel beautiful I want to hand onto them and keep them in my heart
to laugh out loud and mean it
to talk and be confident
to reach out and grab life keep it simple and live!
to bring back all the joy the things that make me happy
to see myself in the mirror and not some distorted image I have ingrained in my mind
to keep taking the next step forward no matter how hard it feels
to keep this healing going
I want to be me dammit!
I want to be with no ugly shadows or voices
I want freedom!
I may not go through the struggles on a daily basis and yes they are happening less often but I don't want to have to worry when, when will the trigger go off? Whens the next shoe going to drop?
Now I know what I don't want and what I want it's time to keep on trucking.
feb 17,2010
OK I tried something last night. I have started journaling yay to letting go of that fear which I think it was just my ED way of fighting me on that. Cause it has been helping wonderfully!
The deeper I go into learning about eating disorders and working with my habits and changing the way I think & do things. I am finding more triggers and traps it seems. But I think I have found a great tool for myself.
Yesterday while writing about my days and all about my feelings, basically going over my negative thoughts and how they made me feel through out my day. I guess giving my ED voice on paper. The fight seems to be getting stronger it's digging deeper trying to really hurt me.
Well after I let my ED voice be "heard" I realised I needed to create a safe and comfortable place. So I let that side of myself be heard. Here is how I ended my journal yesterday.
I let the voices be heard & I am trying not to feel guilty about any of it. I know it is not me so I need to create a safe place & comforting words.
wild flowers bloom
children's laughter
colors explode
drip drip a puddle is born
create
it's a gift God given
beauty
clear blue sky
white doves fly
stars sparkle
trees dance in the wind
water crashes
fire spreads it's wings
hold the crystal ball my friend
spread your magic
take my hand
my comfort
my light
I had posted more about all this but I lost it some how so that is the jest of what I wated to say today.
Yesterday was an up and down kind of day. More ups than downs but what was pretty neat was that in the down moments I kept telling myself that's not me thinking it's the ED it wants me to fail it's fighting back it wants control.
I didn't know that was the ED talking I didn't know I had a ED. That youtube clip really helped me. I am worth it no matter how much more or less I may fight with this I am important. I am worth doing this healing . I don't have to prove myself to anyone that I have struggles. What is so wrong with wanting to be healthy in my mind.
There are people that don't know about eating disorders or are feeling fear they may have one and struggle to reach. Why? What is so wrong with learning and trying to better yourself? You don't have to have an ED to help heal yourself and become a happy healthy you.
If your feeling that fight then maybe you do have a ED because the ED doesn't want you to let it go, it wants you to need it. It wants to be in control. I feel the fight some days it's stronger than others who cares it's there and I want to do the work I want to heal to recover.
The deeper I go into learning about eating disorders and working with my habits and changing the way I think & do things. I am finding more triggers and traps it seems. But I think I have found a great tool for myself.
Yesterday while writing about my days and all about my feelings, basically going over my negative thoughts and how they made me feel through out my day. I guess giving my ED voice on paper. The fight seems to be getting stronger it's digging deeper trying to really hurt me.
Well after I let my ED voice be "heard" I realised I needed to create a safe and comfortable place. So I let that side of myself be heard. Here is how I ended my journal yesterday.
I let the voices be heard & I am trying not to feel guilty about any of it. I know it is not me so I need to create a safe place & comforting words.
wild flowers bloom
children's laughter
colors explode
drip drip a puddle is born
create
it's a gift God given
beauty
clear blue sky
white doves fly
stars sparkle
trees dance in the wind
water crashes
fire spreads it's wings
hold the crystal ball my friend
spread your magic
take my hand
my comfort
my light
I had posted more about all this but I lost it some how so that is the jest of what I wated to say today.
Yesterday was an up and down kind of day. More ups than downs but what was pretty neat was that in the down moments I kept telling myself that's not me thinking it's the ED it wants me to fail it's fighting back it wants control.
I didn't know that was the ED talking I didn't know I had a ED. That youtube clip really helped me. I am worth it no matter how much more or less I may fight with this I am important. I am worth doing this healing . I don't have to prove myself to anyone that I have struggles. What is so wrong with wanting to be healthy in my mind.
There are people that don't know about eating disorders or are feeling fear they may have one and struggle to reach. Why? What is so wrong with learning and trying to better yourself? You don't have to have an ED to help heal yourself and become a happy healthy you.
If your feeling that fight then maybe you do have a ED because the ED doesn't want you to let it go, it wants you to need it. It wants to be in control. I feel the fight some days it's stronger than others who cares it's there and I want to do the work I want to heal to recover.
feb 16,2010
He holds my hand
He's the keep of my heart
He walks beside me
He loves me
How could I ever tell him
I feel so miss understood
So crazy
Lonely
How could he understand the way things work
In my head
The voices
Wont it scare him away
He has seen every curve every dimple
Every freckle
Why is this so hard to expose
Fighting the waves that crash against the shore
My feet being sucked in under the sand
Some thing wants to take me away
How could I think so little of myself
How could I think his love for me only goes so deep
How could I think I didn't matter so much
I'm sick
Disturbed
Could anyone understand
The little monster hiding in my pocket
Under my bed
The little guy is every where
He acts as my subconscious
Wait it can't be
He's not in my head and under the rug at the same time
Ah man
Who could possibly understand this side of me
I did it he was so understanding
he sat there
Love in his eyes and warm arms waiting
Understanding and comfort
Not what I was expecting
I reached out and he held on
Tears of relief of joy of grieving
He's the keep of my heart
He walks beside me
He loves me
How could I ever tell him
I feel so miss understood
So crazy
Lonely
How could he understand the way things work
In my head
The voices
Wont it scare him away
He has seen every curve every dimple
Every freckle
Why is this so hard to expose
Fighting the waves that crash against the shore
My feet being sucked in under the sand
Some thing wants to take me away
How could I think so little of myself
How could I think his love for me only goes so deep
How could I think I didn't matter so much
I'm sick
Disturbed
Could anyone understand
The little monster hiding in my pocket
Under my bed
The little guy is every where
He acts as my subconscious
Wait it can't be
He's not in my head and under the rug at the same time
Ah man
Who could possibly understand this side of me
I did it he was so understanding
he sat there
Love in his eyes and warm arms waiting
Understanding and comfort
Not what I was expecting
I reached out and he held on
Tears of relief of joy of grieving
feb 10,2010
The guilt
The obsessions
The control
It can all be so dark
Walking up to the mirror
Waiting for my fortune
What will it be today?
Who has the control now?
Is there a light I can borrow
I don't wanna be stuck in this dark corner of my mind
I see the light just around the corner
Feeling so lost with no flashlight
There is some comfort in the darkness
Be sucked in and held there
It's all about control
The obsession
It brings on the guilt
Holds even tighter
I cant shake it loose
The mirror reflects a person I don't know
The voices are cruel and scary
Who's in control now?
A note left behind
Are you happy?
That power
That control
Those stupid obsessions
Do they make you happy?
What are you gonna do about it?
I took a step and found my flash light
Who's in control now?
The guilt
The obsessions
The control
Leave it the dark and step out!
The power the strength the beauty happiness
is in the light
Last week was a struggle for me, I'm feeling better now but big time struggles. I ha to pull away from here for w few days and actually I felt like I pulled out of life for a bit as well. Turning to my novels and reading about made up worlds. It gives me time to think but at the same time I didn't deal with things in te healthiest of ways.
I know when I abuse my reading time or read to get away I get moody, I don't pay attention to my hunger I let it go by and I don't like the way I feel when I let myself get lost. It doesn't always happen when I read but I am aware of this it helps keep the voices away but it doesn't change anything. It's an obsession some times.
I realised the other morning I was going to look at myself in the mirror and it had nothing to do with what you should be doing,like is there something black on my tooth? It reminded me of the moment of truth right before when I used to weight myself every morning. Letting that stupid things tell me how I was going to start my day!
I was treating my mirror like that. I was abusing it. Instead of looking my eyes and saying words of encouragement or affirmations I got sucked in I let things go negative. Then the rest all fallowed.
Oh well I am out of my funk. But I know I really should be journaling in my note book I still haven't and that adds more to the funk. So much frickin guilt moving around in me lately and I need to be comforting myself not scolding myself.
I kept myself away from here for almost a week and there as guilt there too. I know others need support I do too. I get so much from here from all my friends. I don't know why I would feel guilt I've been here long enough to know everyone is so understanding encouraging and supportive.
Hubby and I have a night away down in the Cape (Cape Cod) for a romantic night with dinner and a jacuzzi suit breakfast v-day morning. It a great package we got I can't wait. It's hard not to be able to enjoy the excitement. Afraid that plans will change last min and we have that over night get away for us. Bad passed experiences with people saying they will be there and things change last min and we don't get what we have been so excited to do.
The closer we get to at the more I am feeling this anxiety waiting for the shoe to drop. My best friend is the one who offered to stay at our house and I did talk to her last night getting plans put together and all. So far still a go. And today would be the last day to get our money back if we have to cancel. We would make things work some way or the other it just wouldn't be what we planned. We wont let that nice room go to wait even if we had to bring along a few kids or something. But it's been almost 7 years since our honeymoon and that was out last time away together alone. We don't regret the way our lives have come along but just one night is all we have been looking for for years.
So I am holding tight onto my shine what ever side shine I got
The obsessions
The control
It can all be so dark
Walking up to the mirror
Waiting for my fortune
What will it be today?
Who has the control now?
Is there a light I can borrow
I don't wanna be stuck in this dark corner of my mind
I see the light just around the corner
Feeling so lost with no flashlight
There is some comfort in the darkness
Be sucked in and held there
It's all about control
The obsession
It brings on the guilt
Holds even tighter
I cant shake it loose
The mirror reflects a person I don't know
The voices are cruel and scary
Who's in control now?
A note left behind
Are you happy?
That power
That control
Those stupid obsessions
Do they make you happy?
What are you gonna do about it?
I took a step and found my flash light
Who's in control now?
The guilt
The obsessions
The control
Leave it the dark and step out!
The power the strength the beauty happiness
is in the light
Last week was a struggle for me, I'm feeling better now but big time struggles. I ha to pull away from here for w few days and actually I felt like I pulled out of life for a bit as well. Turning to my novels and reading about made up worlds. It gives me time to think but at the same time I didn't deal with things in te healthiest of ways.
I know when I abuse my reading time or read to get away I get moody, I don't pay attention to my hunger I let it go by and I don't like the way I feel when I let myself get lost. It doesn't always happen when I read but I am aware of this it helps keep the voices away but it doesn't change anything. It's an obsession some times.
I realised the other morning I was going to look at myself in the mirror and it had nothing to do with what you should be doing,like is there something black on my tooth? It reminded me of the moment of truth right before when I used to weight myself every morning. Letting that stupid things tell me how I was going to start my day!
I was treating my mirror like that. I was abusing it. Instead of looking my eyes and saying words of encouragement or affirmations I got sucked in I let things go negative. Then the rest all fallowed.
Oh well I am out of my funk. But I know I really should be journaling in my note book I still haven't and that adds more to the funk. So much frickin guilt moving around in me lately and I need to be comforting myself not scolding myself.
I kept myself away from here for almost a week and there as guilt there too. I know others need support I do too. I get so much from here from all my friends. I don't know why I would feel guilt I've been here long enough to know everyone is so understanding encouraging and supportive.
Hubby and I have a night away down in the Cape (Cape Cod) for a romantic night with dinner and a jacuzzi suit breakfast v-day morning. It a great package we got I can't wait. It's hard not to be able to enjoy the excitement. Afraid that plans will change last min and we have that over night get away for us. Bad passed experiences with people saying they will be there and things change last min and we don't get what we have been so excited to do.
The closer we get to at the more I am feeling this anxiety waiting for the shoe to drop. My best friend is the one who offered to stay at our house and I did talk to her last night getting plans put together and all. So far still a go. And today would be the last day to get our money back if we have to cancel. We would make things work some way or the other it just wouldn't be what we planned. We wont let that nice room go to wait even if we had to bring along a few kids or something. But it's been almost 7 years since our honeymoon and that was out last time away together alone. We don't regret the way our lives have come along but just one night is all we have been looking for for years.
So I am holding tight onto my shine what ever side shine I got
feb 2,2010
That's me standing there in the mirror
twirling and checking things out
the voice I hear picking my beauty to peaces is not mine
it was never me
I wasn't the one who had a problem with how I looked
why do I care so much
it hurts
Finding my voice hasn't bee easy
some days I get up and it's all good no body image issues
others I am fighting back the voices
I hate this struggle
I am beautiful the way I am
I accept it why can't they?!
Because they can't accept themselves
they don't see what I see
they don't care that they verbally abuse themselves right in front of those who love them most
my heart opens and I want to take away the bad
I want to hold that gentle beauty and say it's OK
tend to it and make sure it shines
how great it would be to see just how bright it can be
It's not my problem
I need to stop opening up my heart because it gets nothing but hurt
That doesn't make me a bad person
I need to help who is most important to me
and that is myself
I need to make sure I am tending to the beauty if my own SHINE!
twirling and checking things out
the voice I hear picking my beauty to peaces is not mine
it was never me
I wasn't the one who had a problem with how I looked
why do I care so much
it hurts
Finding my voice hasn't bee easy
some days I get up and it's all good no body image issues
others I am fighting back the voices
I hate this struggle
I am beautiful the way I am
I accept it why can't they?!
Because they can't accept themselves
they don't see what I see
they don't care that they verbally abuse themselves right in front of those who love them most
my heart opens and I want to take away the bad
I want to hold that gentle beauty and say it's OK
tend to it and make sure it shines
how great it would be to see just how bright it can be
It's not my problem
I need to stop opening up my heart because it gets nothing but hurt
That doesn't make me a bad person
I need to help who is most important to me
and that is myself
I need to make sure I am tending to the beauty if my own SHINE!
jan 17,2010
The smile I carry in my pocket belongs to some one else
I picked it up years ago, not sure when
Ya sure it fits ok
I carry it with me to keep it close by
Wouldn't wanna be caught with no smile
Even if it's not mine
I keep the real one hidden
It's hidden so well I'm not even sure where I put it last
I may not even have it on me
I find it now and then and wear it when it's safe
I have to keep it protected
So I never keep it hidden in the same spot twice
The smile I carry around in my pocket belongs to some one else
It's starting to feel very uncomfortable when wearing it
I'll drop it in the lost & found at the gates of the gardens
I like to sit there in nature
the beauty the comfort
Just letting the sun wash over me
Maybe my smile will join me today
It really likes the gardens
It just may stick if I promise to visit the gardens often
Come join me in the gardens
It's the best place to be you!
Bring your smile!
I picked it up years ago, not sure when
Ya sure it fits ok
I carry it with me to keep it close by
Wouldn't wanna be caught with no smile
Even if it's not mine
I keep the real one hidden
It's hidden so well I'm not even sure where I put it last
I may not even have it on me
I find it now and then and wear it when it's safe
I have to keep it protected
So I never keep it hidden in the same spot twice
The smile I carry around in my pocket belongs to some one else
It's starting to feel very uncomfortable when wearing it
I'll drop it in the lost & found at the gates of the gardens
I like to sit there in nature
the beauty the comfort
Just letting the sun wash over me
Maybe my smile will join me today
It really likes the gardens
It just may stick if I promise to visit the gardens often
Come join me in the gardens
It's the best place to be you!
Bring your smile!
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