Today was my day off, the only day off I get during the week. Anyways there have been much needed changes that have been in the works here at home. I am slowly tackling things.
I tend to have that all or nothing mentality that makes me even more stressed that I am not getting the things done that I want/need to get done! I get so stressed I want to pull away from my world and that then leads to not so good habits and yucky mood swings.
I used to turn to food and be in darker moods. The I stopped using food and started abusing my joy in reading. Oh well what can I do right!?
Well I am a work in progress just as the things with in my home. I am working on each task as it comes along. Going with the flow and when I feel the pull I go to it and work it out.
Feels great to not push away and to now turn to it and see what I have snagged.
It's all related to the self care I been working at. Stress is caused by so much in out lives. Is it really worth that mental fight? Hm lets see go all crazy cause this hasn't gotten done for one day? I set with no major chore for the day.
Having the kids around kind of hard to get certain things done and if I try and don't have an idea as to how I plan to tackle things then I get even more stressed.
Having a loos game plan for each "project" not a goal but thinking OK how can things work more smoothly in our home? Every day you find yourself holding back a string of swears because something is not flowing right.
Urg the kids and their shoes! They keep on just leaving them all over the floor near the front door and we are always tripping on them! We do have a shoe rack but with 5 ppl living in this house and each person having atleast 2 pairs of shoes ya you can imagine right? The shoe rack is only so big & not to mention the 2 other kids that we watch during the week add another couple pairs of shoes!
I still haven't gotten it to how I really would like to have it set up but I pretty much fixed the issue for the time being. I have a couple of empty diaper boxes that work just right for when the kids come in and want just plop their shoes down well they can plop them in the box!
My idea is to come up with a nicer looking arrangement but the money for that is not there at the moment. We are a family that lives in our home and that is that for now. Who knows maybe once I an done re organising the other rooms I may just find a nice bin or something that will look better than the Luvs boxes we got going on there. Oh well!
What others think is not important! Not that anyone has commented on all this but from the twisted thinking I had going on it was all me! I got a lot of that going on that I am working on.
Changing the way I think, cause that is not the only issue that I have around te house where I "think" to hard about it and what ppl must think.
Nope it's now about what flows best for our family.
I am still not used to me being back to work after 5 years of being a stay at home mom it'a hard thing to work out and I am constantly reminding myself of all this! Give myself a break get that pressure off and things will work themselves out as they come.
Not sure you can imagine what a relief it has been that just recently that my shoulders are feeling a bit lighter and that I no longer feel like the walls are gonna cave in.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Sparks!
The look he gave me sent chills down my soul
the way it used to
when young love was being born and sparks flew
the way he held me the way he saw through me
Being lost and not seeing that look
I never realised it was missing
bitter sweet is how it feels
Realizing I lost it
but I got it back!
Tho this time it's so much stronger
the feeling has a different effect
I want to explore and I want to learn
I want to take new adventures with him
Knowing this is the greatest feeling
Feeling seeing and believing
trusting giving receiving and
Dancing!
Just glowing and being happy!
the way it used to
when young love was being born and sparks flew
the way he held me the way he saw through me
Being lost and not seeing that look
I never realised it was missing
bitter sweet is how it feels
Realizing I lost it
but I got it back!
Tho this time it's so much stronger
the feeling has a different effect
I want to explore and I want to learn
I want to take new adventures with him
Knowing this is the greatest feeling
Feeling seeing and believing
trusting giving receiving and
Dancing!
Just glowing and being happy!
Friday, October 22, 2010
sept 24,2010
When I close my eyes
I feel these arms reaching out
as if there was an octopus fastened to my head
reaching out in all directions
feeling it's way for something
a distraction
the world that is just so unclear
who wants to be conscious for it all
letting it reach out and feel for me
distractions only last so long
after all each leg connects to the center
where all the feelings are being felt
I feel these arms reaching out
as if there was an octopus fastened to my head
reaching out in all directions
feeling it's way for something
a distraction
the world that is just so unclear
who wants to be conscious for it all
letting it reach out and feel for me
distractions only last so long
after all each leg connects to the center
where all the feelings are being felt
Sept 23,2010
Jamie,
What I have to say to you today is that you hold the key to my happiness. You are the keeper of all of me my spiritual being.
You tend to my physical body and mental self.
You take on adventures each day.
I may not always be conscious of you or understand all of you and how we function so completely together and separate.
Our creator our God is an amazing being that has created such wondrous body that we live in together.
Here I am saying today. I am out to connect and live with you more as one and not divided. I no longer want others peoples perspectives of me or their judgments effect who I am within you.
I want to honor you as best I can and let you show me exactly what life is all about. It is way passed time to let you use that control. I don't know how or why but some where along the line my old twisted thinking led me toward giving that control to others.
Time to be happy Jamie turn that key and live!
What I have to say to you today is that you hold the key to my happiness. You are the keeper of all of me my spiritual being.
You tend to my physical body and mental self.
You take on adventures each day.
I may not always be conscious of you or understand all of you and how we function so completely together and separate.
Our creator our God is an amazing being that has created such wondrous body that we live in together.
Here I am saying today. I am out to connect and live with you more as one and not divided. I no longer want others peoples perspectives of me or their judgments effect who I am within you.
I want to honor you as best I can and let you show me exactly what life is all about. It is way passed time to let you use that control. I don't know how or why but some where along the line my old twisted thinking led me toward giving that control to others.
Time to be happy Jamie turn that key and live!
july 17,2010
out of focus and the frame to big
it hangs on the wall all crooked
and yes it's even cracked!
hold me
touch me
taste my skin
give me something to feel
love me
help me
show me life
I want you to hold me
and get lost in life
make me forget everything
only hear your heart beat
your gentle kiss
tender touch
let me get lost in you my love
you are life
warmth and safe
hold me
love me
complete me
it hangs on the wall all crooked
and yes it's even cracked!
hold me
touch me
taste my skin
give me something to feel
love me
help me
show me life
I want you to hold me
and get lost in life
make me forget everything
only hear your heart beat
your gentle kiss
tender touch
let me get lost in you my love
you are life
warmth and safe
hold me
love me
complete me
july 15,2010
the man with the hat
has so much energy
it just surrounds him
all blue and gold
oh the magic
the mystery
do you dare talk to the magic man
dreams are so powerful
some you don't remember
some you act on
and some you just wish were oh so true
the way the clouds
the rain and the air smell during a thunder storm
the amazing energy you feel
so full of something it makes your senses work on over time
the beauty of the lightning strike
the deep thundering boom that fallows
the way the sky lights up creating monsters of out of the clouds
oh man i just love a good thunderstorm
i want to embrace so much in life
some times i just don't know where to grab first
it's like binging a thunder storm
you hear it rumbling in
you feel the air pressure change
and wonder will it rain before it gets here?
big old fat rain? or just a trickling mist
the way the rain drops dance along the water
creating music as it drops and spreads into a pool of water
you ever go under water and just list to how the rain sounds
it's a sound not often heard so take it in and hold it close
just as you would soaks up the beautiful sun shine
nothing better than connecting with mother earth!
has so much energy
it just surrounds him
all blue and gold
oh the magic
the mystery
do you dare talk to the magic man
dreams are so powerful
some you don't remember
some you act on
and some you just wish were oh so true
the way the clouds
the rain and the air smell during a thunder storm
the amazing energy you feel
so full of something it makes your senses work on over time
the beauty of the lightning strike
the deep thundering boom that fallows
the way the sky lights up creating monsters of out of the clouds
oh man i just love a good thunderstorm
i want to embrace so much in life
some times i just don't know where to grab first
it's like binging a thunder storm
you hear it rumbling in
you feel the air pressure change
and wonder will it rain before it gets here?
big old fat rain? or just a trickling mist
the way the rain drops dance along the water
creating music as it drops and spreads into a pool of water
you ever go under water and just list to how the rain sounds
it's a sound not often heard so take it in and hold it close
just as you would soaks up the beautiful sun shine
nothing better than connecting with mother earth!
july 1,2010
disconnected and abused
her body is covered in blood
bruised and beaten
a single tear dry on her cheek
her world
so separated
scattered peaces
she rolls in the darkness
sadness guilt and anger
the pain I don't' not wish to feel is eating away at me
I am not sure where to turn
please help me I am drowning
today is not for me
I wish to see the sunshine again
for this pain is a slow torcher
breathing is tight
tears wont stop flowing
help me
my world is in crumbles
or so it feels that way
just for today
Happy thoughts.........
smiles moon light
and dancing in the rain
children's laughter
lighting bugs and crickets singing
I don not wish to drowned today
the world will not end
I will not die
this night mare will end
the way he smiles at me
I feel so safe
so warm
so complete
he is mine
OK thats about it I had to feel things and just let them out. I had a rough day yesterday and it bled into today. I feel not myself wounded and afraid. There is just so much going on emotionally it hit me like a ton of bricks! I fucking hate that!
But tomorrow is another day and I will keep on truckin and I will let feelings be felt. I just need a hug
her body is covered in blood
bruised and beaten
a single tear dry on her cheek
her world
so separated
scattered peaces
she rolls in the darkness
sadness guilt and anger
the pain I don't' not wish to feel is eating away at me
I am not sure where to turn
please help me I am drowning
today is not for me
I wish to see the sunshine again
for this pain is a slow torcher
breathing is tight
tears wont stop flowing
help me
my world is in crumbles
or so it feels that way
just for today
Happy thoughts.........
smiles moon light
and dancing in the rain
children's laughter
lighting bugs and crickets singing
I don not wish to drowned today
the world will not end
I will not die
this night mare will end
the way he smiles at me
I feel so safe
so warm
so complete
he is mine
OK thats about it I had to feel things and just let them out. I had a rough day yesterday and it bled into today. I feel not myself wounded and afraid. There is just so much going on emotionally it hit me like a ton of bricks! I fucking hate that!
But tomorrow is another day and I will keep on truckin and I will let feelings be felt. I just need a hug
june 23,2010
Not as they seem to be
Things are not always as they seem to be
you have this little girl with a wicked smile
the evil just seeping out
her eyes gleam with anticipation
the wickedness she holds
the lies
the anger
the horror
she can dream up just anything
any for of torcher
the power the control the greed
it's eating away at her soul
pink ponies
wild flowers in meadows
lost and never learned the joys
all left behind in a distant memory
laughter has it's evil
the sarcasm the bitter sound it chills
painted pictures of fallen angels
the wicked dreams she sees
the endless darkness
she smiles her little girl smile
but it's not as it seems
it should be held in joy
hope love and carefree dreams
but sadly not everything is as it seems
Things are not always as they seem to be
you have this little girl with a wicked smile
the evil just seeping out
her eyes gleam with anticipation
the wickedness she holds
the lies
the anger
the horror
she can dream up just anything
any for of torcher
the power the control the greed
it's eating away at her soul
pink ponies
wild flowers in meadows
lost and never learned the joys
all left behind in a distant memory
laughter has it's evil
the sarcasm the bitter sound it chills
painted pictures of fallen angels
the wicked dreams she sees
the endless darkness
she smiles her little girl smile
but it's not as it seems
it should be held in joy
hope love and carefree dreams
but sadly not everything is as it seems
april 7,2010
Straddling a line between mud and quicksand
wow wonderful choices
why such gloom my friend?
Shouldn't you feel joy
you have the freedom to chose
your body is strong enough
everything is functioning
you have life
Stop looking at the mud as a mess
a struggle
The quick sand is where you were coming from
you saw no hope
no way out
Your on the line my friend
the mud is your adventure
your hope
Trust in the body you have been given
strengthen your body
your soul
Stop looking at the mud and feeling guilt
you didn't know
How can you look at it with such pain and hard feelings
when all along you were told you shouldn't cross the line
it can't be done
it goes against the grain of all you have learned
My friend
you keep thinking the worst of things
the yin always has the yang to help keep balance
finding yourself on the darker side sinking into the quick sand?
Shift yourself
take a step in the mud look toward the light
When you get stuck stop!
There is no rush
whats the hurry
find the beauty and gather more strength
I'm sure your foot will loosen
you can once again put one foot in front and start moving along
Oh man it's so hard some times when you are feeling the guilt and like you have failed yourself and others. It gets you no where to allow yourself to continue with those feelings. Let them be heard breath into them and bring light into them.
Staying in them allowed ED control. When you give your freedom of being able to control ones self you have no more freedom no more control over your thoughts.
I need to change my vocab, no longer will I have rules but keep it simple. I don't even like to use guidelines. I stop myself and say keep it simple keep it natural or raw. Strip all labels from my thinking cause that's what it is, no matter how you dress the duck it's still a duck.
This week has been quite a week so far I am learning much about myself. I am seeing more change in me and how I know I am changing and healing ED is back and trying to take my freedom I will not hand it over.
My passed I had labels of success and failure, I refuse to let that leak int my life anymore. I no longer see it that way, there is adventure joy and learning. Simple unpaved roads have bumps and are dirty & curvy don't forget to add all of earth elements that is what's natural. Life was not meant to be a perfect spotless place, it would be rather boring don't ya think?
wow wonderful choices
why such gloom my friend?
Shouldn't you feel joy
you have the freedom to chose
your body is strong enough
everything is functioning
you have life
Stop looking at the mud as a mess
a struggle
The quick sand is where you were coming from
you saw no hope
no way out
Your on the line my friend
the mud is your adventure
your hope
Trust in the body you have been given
strengthen your body
your soul
Stop looking at the mud and feeling guilt
you didn't know
How can you look at it with such pain and hard feelings
when all along you were told you shouldn't cross the line
it can't be done
it goes against the grain of all you have learned
My friend
you keep thinking the worst of things
the yin always has the yang to help keep balance
finding yourself on the darker side sinking into the quick sand?
Shift yourself
take a step in the mud look toward the light
When you get stuck stop!
There is no rush
whats the hurry
find the beauty and gather more strength
I'm sure your foot will loosen
you can once again put one foot in front and start moving along
Oh man it's so hard some times when you are feeling the guilt and like you have failed yourself and others. It gets you no where to allow yourself to continue with those feelings. Let them be heard breath into them and bring light into them.
Staying in them allowed ED control. When you give your freedom of being able to control ones self you have no more freedom no more control over your thoughts.
I need to change my vocab, no longer will I have rules but keep it simple. I don't even like to use guidelines. I stop myself and say keep it simple keep it natural or raw. Strip all labels from my thinking cause that's what it is, no matter how you dress the duck it's still a duck.
This week has been quite a week so far I am learning much about myself. I am seeing more change in me and how I know I am changing and healing ED is back and trying to take my freedom I will not hand it over.
My passed I had labels of success and failure, I refuse to let that leak int my life anymore. I no longer see it that way, there is adventure joy and learning. Simple unpaved roads have bumps and are dirty & curvy don't forget to add all of earth elements that is what's natural. Life was not meant to be a perfect spotless place, it would be rather boring don't ya think?
march 10,2010
My spirit
My Soul
The Goddess with in me
is the the sun
My body the earth
My life the Moon
Darkness doesn't fall
It's just light fading away
or obstructed by another solid form
A shadow in the light
We as humans
As people
Have a great gift
A voice
Language
Freedom to express our selves
Watching nature
The way it holds to much magic
Planting a seed and watching it grow
The stars in the sky
or the way the moon glows
so bright and beautiful
when earth doesn't shadow it
It's amazing how much the earth
and yes the moon
need the sun
There is always a struggle to keep things positive but I am finding my ways. It takes work and it takes truth to finally let it all be free to except it and embrace this side of me. I am learning growing and healing.
As Shannon has told me Healing is Feeling
My Soul
The Goddess with in me
is the the sun
My body the earth
My life the Moon
Darkness doesn't fall
It's just light fading away
or obstructed by another solid form
A shadow in the light
We as humans
As people
Have a great gift
A voice
Language
Freedom to express our selves
Watching nature
The way it holds to much magic
Planting a seed and watching it grow
The stars in the sky
or the way the moon glows
so bright and beautiful
when earth doesn't shadow it
It's amazing how much the earth
and yes the moon
need the sun
There is always a struggle to keep things positive but I am finding my ways. It takes work and it takes truth to finally let it all be free to except it and embrace this side of me. I am learning growing and healing.
As Shannon has told me Healing is Feeling
march 4,2010
Healthy
Optimistic
People
Experiment
Laugh
Over stupid simple things
Visualize & give your dreams
Endless room to grow
Candle light
Reflects
Endless
Adventures
Take it
Enjoy it!
Lavish in it's warmth
Imagine, feel it
Veto the rules
Embrace freedom!
Optimistic
People
Experiment
Laugh
Over stupid simple things
Visualize & give your dreams
Endless room to grow
Candle light
Reflects
Endless
Adventures
Take it
Enjoy it!
Lavish in it's warmth
Imagine, feel it
Veto the rules
Embrace freedom!
feb 24,2010
I just want to be me
the gatekeepers wont let me in
hurt guilt and disappointed
will this fighting ever end
the closer I get
the meaner & uglier
the gatekeepers are
I just want to be me
no holding back
letting no one hold me back
I love my laugh
my smile
I want to shine
where is my voice?
it sounds so simple to just fight
to yell back and scream
it would be just too easy
just charge right through the gates
turn turn off sight and sound
I just want to be me
the gatekeepers wont let me in
hurt guilt and disappointed
will this fighting ever end
the closer I get
the meaner & uglier
the gatekeepers are
I just want to be me
no holding back
letting no one hold me back
I love my laugh
my smile
I want to shine
where is my voice?
it sounds so simple to just fight
to yell back and scream
it would be just too easy
just charge right through the gates
turn turn off sight and sound
I just want to be me
feb 21,2010
I push him away
but on the inside I am screaming for him
to put his arms around me
so I can breath in his scent
take comfort
safety
in his embrace
warmth and courage
love and hope
I push him away
when I need him most
my best friend
my love
my life
my light
I push at him
testing his love for me
testing my love for him
it hurts
I push him away
taking it out on him
letting my darkness win
even if it is just for a while
I push him away
when I should be pulling him closer
to let my tears dry on his shoulder
my word be heard
my hurts be soothed
I push him away
No
not anymore
one step forward closer
not back
not away
Sorry my love
never again
always stay close
but on the inside I am screaming for him
to put his arms around me
so I can breath in his scent
take comfort
safety
in his embrace
warmth and courage
love and hope
I push him away
when I need him most
my best friend
my love
my life
my light
I push at him
testing his love for me
testing my love for him
it hurts
I push him away
taking it out on him
letting my darkness win
even if it is just for a while
I push him away
when I should be pulling him closer
to let my tears dry on his shoulder
my word be heard
my hurts be soothed
I push him away
No
not anymore
one step forward closer
not back
not away
Sorry my love
never again
always stay close
feb 19,2010
I don't want:
to doubt myself or aways wait and wonder if others approve
to abuse myself anymore verbally and emotionally
to care about what others might or might not be thinking of me
my physical appearance my attitude my personality
to want to struggle with worrying about fluctuation with my body size lil snug today= evil voices lil looser today= more evil voice
to think about what each bite of food is doing to my body, I hate picturing my body parts growing after 3 bites!
the rebellion after I have restricted myself so much I have it I binge to feel something different even tho it makes me uncomfortable
I don't want to feel lost, alone, confused, ugly, lazy, guilty, the obsession over food and body!
I WANT!
to believe the feelings when I do feel beautiful I want to hand onto them and keep them in my heart
to laugh out loud and mean it
to talk and be confident
to reach out and grab life keep it simple and live!
to bring back all the joy the things that make me happy
to see myself in the mirror and not some distorted image I have ingrained in my mind
to keep taking the next step forward no matter how hard it feels
to keep this healing going
I want to be me dammit!
I want to be with no ugly shadows or voices
I want freedom!
I may not go through the struggles on a daily basis and yes they are happening less often but I don't want to have to worry when, when will the trigger go off? Whens the next shoe going to drop?
Now I know what I don't want and what I want it's time to keep on trucking.
to doubt myself or aways wait and wonder if others approve
to abuse myself anymore verbally and emotionally
to care about what others might or might not be thinking of me
my physical appearance my attitude my personality
to want to struggle with worrying about fluctuation with my body size lil snug today= evil voices lil looser today= more evil voice
to think about what each bite of food is doing to my body, I hate picturing my body parts growing after 3 bites!
the rebellion after I have restricted myself so much I have it I binge to feel something different even tho it makes me uncomfortable
I don't want to feel lost, alone, confused, ugly, lazy, guilty, the obsession over food and body!
I WANT!
to believe the feelings when I do feel beautiful I want to hand onto them and keep them in my heart
to laugh out loud and mean it
to talk and be confident
to reach out and grab life keep it simple and live!
to bring back all the joy the things that make me happy
to see myself in the mirror and not some distorted image I have ingrained in my mind
to keep taking the next step forward no matter how hard it feels
to keep this healing going
I want to be me dammit!
I want to be with no ugly shadows or voices
I want freedom!
I may not go through the struggles on a daily basis and yes they are happening less often but I don't want to have to worry when, when will the trigger go off? Whens the next shoe going to drop?
Now I know what I don't want and what I want it's time to keep on trucking.
feb 17,2010
OK I tried something last night. I have started journaling yay to letting go of that fear which I think it was just my ED way of fighting me on that. Cause it has been helping wonderfully!
The deeper I go into learning about eating disorders and working with my habits and changing the way I think & do things. I am finding more triggers and traps it seems. But I think I have found a great tool for myself.
Yesterday while writing about my days and all about my feelings, basically going over my negative thoughts and how they made me feel through out my day. I guess giving my ED voice on paper. The fight seems to be getting stronger it's digging deeper trying to really hurt me.
Well after I let my ED voice be "heard" I realised I needed to create a safe and comfortable place. So I let that side of myself be heard. Here is how I ended my journal yesterday.
I let the voices be heard & I am trying not to feel guilty about any of it. I know it is not me so I need to create a safe place & comforting words.
wild flowers bloom
children's laughter
colors explode
drip drip a puddle is born
create
it's a gift God given
beauty
clear blue sky
white doves fly
stars sparkle
trees dance in the wind
water crashes
fire spreads it's wings
hold the crystal ball my friend
spread your magic
take my hand
my comfort
my light
I had posted more about all this but I lost it some how so that is the jest of what I wated to say today.
Yesterday was an up and down kind of day. More ups than downs but what was pretty neat was that in the down moments I kept telling myself that's not me thinking it's the ED it wants me to fail it's fighting back it wants control.
I didn't know that was the ED talking I didn't know I had a ED. That youtube clip really helped me. I am worth it no matter how much more or less I may fight with this I am important. I am worth doing this healing . I don't have to prove myself to anyone that I have struggles. What is so wrong with wanting to be healthy in my mind.
There are people that don't know about eating disorders or are feeling fear they may have one and struggle to reach. Why? What is so wrong with learning and trying to better yourself? You don't have to have an ED to help heal yourself and become a happy healthy you.
If your feeling that fight then maybe you do have a ED because the ED doesn't want you to let it go, it wants you to need it. It wants to be in control. I feel the fight some days it's stronger than others who cares it's there and I want to do the work I want to heal to recover.
The deeper I go into learning about eating disorders and working with my habits and changing the way I think & do things. I am finding more triggers and traps it seems. But I think I have found a great tool for myself.
Yesterday while writing about my days and all about my feelings, basically going over my negative thoughts and how they made me feel through out my day. I guess giving my ED voice on paper. The fight seems to be getting stronger it's digging deeper trying to really hurt me.
Well after I let my ED voice be "heard" I realised I needed to create a safe and comfortable place. So I let that side of myself be heard. Here is how I ended my journal yesterday.
I let the voices be heard & I am trying not to feel guilty about any of it. I know it is not me so I need to create a safe place & comforting words.
wild flowers bloom
children's laughter
colors explode
drip drip a puddle is born
create
it's a gift God given
beauty
clear blue sky
white doves fly
stars sparkle
trees dance in the wind
water crashes
fire spreads it's wings
hold the crystal ball my friend
spread your magic
take my hand
my comfort
my light
I had posted more about all this but I lost it some how so that is the jest of what I wated to say today.
Yesterday was an up and down kind of day. More ups than downs but what was pretty neat was that in the down moments I kept telling myself that's not me thinking it's the ED it wants me to fail it's fighting back it wants control.
I didn't know that was the ED talking I didn't know I had a ED. That youtube clip really helped me. I am worth it no matter how much more or less I may fight with this I am important. I am worth doing this healing . I don't have to prove myself to anyone that I have struggles. What is so wrong with wanting to be healthy in my mind.
There are people that don't know about eating disorders or are feeling fear they may have one and struggle to reach. Why? What is so wrong with learning and trying to better yourself? You don't have to have an ED to help heal yourself and become a happy healthy you.
If your feeling that fight then maybe you do have a ED because the ED doesn't want you to let it go, it wants you to need it. It wants to be in control. I feel the fight some days it's stronger than others who cares it's there and I want to do the work I want to heal to recover.
feb 16,2010
He holds my hand
He's the keep of my heart
He walks beside me
He loves me
How could I ever tell him
I feel so miss understood
So crazy
Lonely
How could he understand the way things work
In my head
The voices
Wont it scare him away
He has seen every curve every dimple
Every freckle
Why is this so hard to expose
Fighting the waves that crash against the shore
My feet being sucked in under the sand
Some thing wants to take me away
How could I think so little of myself
How could I think his love for me only goes so deep
How could I think I didn't matter so much
I'm sick
Disturbed
Could anyone understand
The little monster hiding in my pocket
Under my bed
The little guy is every where
He acts as my subconscious
Wait it can't be
He's not in my head and under the rug at the same time
Ah man
Who could possibly understand this side of me
I did it he was so understanding
he sat there
Love in his eyes and warm arms waiting
Understanding and comfort
Not what I was expecting
I reached out and he held on
Tears of relief of joy of grieving
He's the keep of my heart
He walks beside me
He loves me
How could I ever tell him
I feel so miss understood
So crazy
Lonely
How could he understand the way things work
In my head
The voices
Wont it scare him away
He has seen every curve every dimple
Every freckle
Why is this so hard to expose
Fighting the waves that crash against the shore
My feet being sucked in under the sand
Some thing wants to take me away
How could I think so little of myself
How could I think his love for me only goes so deep
How could I think I didn't matter so much
I'm sick
Disturbed
Could anyone understand
The little monster hiding in my pocket
Under my bed
The little guy is every where
He acts as my subconscious
Wait it can't be
He's not in my head and under the rug at the same time
Ah man
Who could possibly understand this side of me
I did it he was so understanding
he sat there
Love in his eyes and warm arms waiting
Understanding and comfort
Not what I was expecting
I reached out and he held on
Tears of relief of joy of grieving
feb 10,2010
The guilt
The obsessions
The control
It can all be so dark
Walking up to the mirror
Waiting for my fortune
What will it be today?
Who has the control now?
Is there a light I can borrow
I don't wanna be stuck in this dark corner of my mind
I see the light just around the corner
Feeling so lost with no flashlight
There is some comfort in the darkness
Be sucked in and held there
It's all about control
The obsession
It brings on the guilt
Holds even tighter
I cant shake it loose
The mirror reflects a person I don't know
The voices are cruel and scary
Who's in control now?
A note left behind
Are you happy?
That power
That control
Those stupid obsessions
Do they make you happy?
What are you gonna do about it?
I took a step and found my flash light
Who's in control now?
The guilt
The obsessions
The control
Leave it the dark and step out!
The power the strength the beauty happiness
is in the light
Last week was a struggle for me, I'm feeling better now but big time struggles. I ha to pull away from here for w few days and actually I felt like I pulled out of life for a bit as well. Turning to my novels and reading about made up worlds. It gives me time to think but at the same time I didn't deal with things in te healthiest of ways.
I know when I abuse my reading time or read to get away I get moody, I don't pay attention to my hunger I let it go by and I don't like the way I feel when I let myself get lost. It doesn't always happen when I read but I am aware of this it helps keep the voices away but it doesn't change anything. It's an obsession some times.
I realised the other morning I was going to look at myself in the mirror and it had nothing to do with what you should be doing,like is there something black on my tooth? It reminded me of the moment of truth right before when I used to weight myself every morning. Letting that stupid things tell me how I was going to start my day!
I was treating my mirror like that. I was abusing it. Instead of looking my eyes and saying words of encouragement or affirmations I got sucked in I let things go negative. Then the rest all fallowed.
Oh well I am out of my funk. But I know I really should be journaling in my note book I still haven't and that adds more to the funk. So much frickin guilt moving around in me lately and I need to be comforting myself not scolding myself.
I kept myself away from here for almost a week and there as guilt there too. I know others need support I do too. I get so much from here from all my friends. I don't know why I would feel guilt I've been here long enough to know everyone is so understanding encouraging and supportive.
Hubby and I have a night away down in the Cape (Cape Cod) for a romantic night with dinner and a jacuzzi suit breakfast v-day morning. It a great package we got I can't wait. It's hard not to be able to enjoy the excitement. Afraid that plans will change last min and we have that over night get away for us. Bad passed experiences with people saying they will be there and things change last min and we don't get what we have been so excited to do.
The closer we get to at the more I am feeling this anxiety waiting for the shoe to drop. My best friend is the one who offered to stay at our house and I did talk to her last night getting plans put together and all. So far still a go. And today would be the last day to get our money back if we have to cancel. We would make things work some way or the other it just wouldn't be what we planned. We wont let that nice room go to wait even if we had to bring along a few kids or something. But it's been almost 7 years since our honeymoon and that was out last time away together alone. We don't regret the way our lives have come along but just one night is all we have been looking for for years.
So I am holding tight onto my shine what ever side shine I got
The obsessions
The control
It can all be so dark
Walking up to the mirror
Waiting for my fortune
What will it be today?
Who has the control now?
Is there a light I can borrow
I don't wanna be stuck in this dark corner of my mind
I see the light just around the corner
Feeling so lost with no flashlight
There is some comfort in the darkness
Be sucked in and held there
It's all about control
The obsession
It brings on the guilt
Holds even tighter
I cant shake it loose
The mirror reflects a person I don't know
The voices are cruel and scary
Who's in control now?
A note left behind
Are you happy?
That power
That control
Those stupid obsessions
Do they make you happy?
What are you gonna do about it?
I took a step and found my flash light
Who's in control now?
The guilt
The obsessions
The control
Leave it the dark and step out!
The power the strength the beauty happiness
is in the light
Last week was a struggle for me, I'm feeling better now but big time struggles. I ha to pull away from here for w few days and actually I felt like I pulled out of life for a bit as well. Turning to my novels and reading about made up worlds. It gives me time to think but at the same time I didn't deal with things in te healthiest of ways.
I know when I abuse my reading time or read to get away I get moody, I don't pay attention to my hunger I let it go by and I don't like the way I feel when I let myself get lost. It doesn't always happen when I read but I am aware of this it helps keep the voices away but it doesn't change anything. It's an obsession some times.
I realised the other morning I was going to look at myself in the mirror and it had nothing to do with what you should be doing,like is there something black on my tooth? It reminded me of the moment of truth right before when I used to weight myself every morning. Letting that stupid things tell me how I was going to start my day!
I was treating my mirror like that. I was abusing it. Instead of looking my eyes and saying words of encouragement or affirmations I got sucked in I let things go negative. Then the rest all fallowed.
Oh well I am out of my funk. But I know I really should be journaling in my note book I still haven't and that adds more to the funk. So much frickin guilt moving around in me lately and I need to be comforting myself not scolding myself.
I kept myself away from here for almost a week and there as guilt there too. I know others need support I do too. I get so much from here from all my friends. I don't know why I would feel guilt I've been here long enough to know everyone is so understanding encouraging and supportive.
Hubby and I have a night away down in the Cape (Cape Cod) for a romantic night with dinner and a jacuzzi suit breakfast v-day morning. It a great package we got I can't wait. It's hard not to be able to enjoy the excitement. Afraid that plans will change last min and we have that over night get away for us. Bad passed experiences with people saying they will be there and things change last min and we don't get what we have been so excited to do.
The closer we get to at the more I am feeling this anxiety waiting for the shoe to drop. My best friend is the one who offered to stay at our house and I did talk to her last night getting plans put together and all. So far still a go. And today would be the last day to get our money back if we have to cancel. We would make things work some way or the other it just wouldn't be what we planned. We wont let that nice room go to wait even if we had to bring along a few kids or something. But it's been almost 7 years since our honeymoon and that was out last time away together alone. We don't regret the way our lives have come along but just one night is all we have been looking for for years.
So I am holding tight onto my shine what ever side shine I got
feb 2,2010
That's me standing there in the mirror
twirling and checking things out
the voice I hear picking my beauty to peaces is not mine
it was never me
I wasn't the one who had a problem with how I looked
why do I care so much
it hurts
Finding my voice hasn't bee easy
some days I get up and it's all good no body image issues
others I am fighting back the voices
I hate this struggle
I am beautiful the way I am
I accept it why can't they?!
Because they can't accept themselves
they don't see what I see
they don't care that they verbally abuse themselves right in front of those who love them most
my heart opens and I want to take away the bad
I want to hold that gentle beauty and say it's OK
tend to it and make sure it shines
how great it would be to see just how bright it can be
It's not my problem
I need to stop opening up my heart because it gets nothing but hurt
That doesn't make me a bad person
I need to help who is most important to me
and that is myself
I need to make sure I am tending to the beauty if my own SHINE!
twirling and checking things out
the voice I hear picking my beauty to peaces is not mine
it was never me
I wasn't the one who had a problem with how I looked
why do I care so much
it hurts
Finding my voice hasn't bee easy
some days I get up and it's all good no body image issues
others I am fighting back the voices
I hate this struggle
I am beautiful the way I am
I accept it why can't they?!
Because they can't accept themselves
they don't see what I see
they don't care that they verbally abuse themselves right in front of those who love them most
my heart opens and I want to take away the bad
I want to hold that gentle beauty and say it's OK
tend to it and make sure it shines
how great it would be to see just how bright it can be
It's not my problem
I need to stop opening up my heart because it gets nothing but hurt
That doesn't make me a bad person
I need to help who is most important to me
and that is myself
I need to make sure I am tending to the beauty if my own SHINE!
jan 17,2010
The smile I carry in my pocket belongs to some one else
I picked it up years ago, not sure when
Ya sure it fits ok
I carry it with me to keep it close by
Wouldn't wanna be caught with no smile
Even if it's not mine
I keep the real one hidden
It's hidden so well I'm not even sure where I put it last
I may not even have it on me
I find it now and then and wear it when it's safe
I have to keep it protected
So I never keep it hidden in the same spot twice
The smile I carry around in my pocket belongs to some one else
It's starting to feel very uncomfortable when wearing it
I'll drop it in the lost & found at the gates of the gardens
I like to sit there in nature
the beauty the comfort
Just letting the sun wash over me
Maybe my smile will join me today
It really likes the gardens
It just may stick if I promise to visit the gardens often
Come join me in the gardens
It's the best place to be you!
Bring your smile!
I picked it up years ago, not sure when
Ya sure it fits ok
I carry it with me to keep it close by
Wouldn't wanna be caught with no smile
Even if it's not mine
I keep the real one hidden
It's hidden so well I'm not even sure where I put it last
I may not even have it on me
I find it now and then and wear it when it's safe
I have to keep it protected
So I never keep it hidden in the same spot twice
The smile I carry around in my pocket belongs to some one else
It's starting to feel very uncomfortable when wearing it
I'll drop it in the lost & found at the gates of the gardens
I like to sit there in nature
the beauty the comfort
Just letting the sun wash over me
Maybe my smile will join me today
It really likes the gardens
It just may stick if I promise to visit the gardens often
Come join me in the gardens
It's the best place to be you!
Bring your smile!
It's been a while
I've been feeling a pull to come here and start my own blogging again. I have been doing a lot of my writing at the through thick and thin forums and (been slacking) at the TTNT group blog.
I know how important it is to my self care to let this part of my open up and be free. I guess when I am writing at the forums and when II write for the group blog I hold myself back. So I am going to make it a to do for myself to start coming here.
I just know that once I start writing more freely I will be do a lot of good for myself.
I think I may bring here a few special peaces that I have written from the other sights. Just as a way to help things flow a little easier here since I haven't been on here in well over a year!
I know how important it is to my self care to let this part of my open up and be free. I guess when I am writing at the forums and when II write for the group blog I hold myself back. So I am going to make it a to do for myself to start coming here.
I just know that once I start writing more freely I will be do a lot of good for myself.
I think I may bring here a few special peaces that I have written from the other sights. Just as a way to help things flow a little easier here since I haven't been on here in well over a year!
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